Our first installment of the People I Find Interesting series [PIFI Series] kicks off with Jon Waldman of Zero Per Gallon [ZPG].
Waldman hails from San Fran, Cali and fashions some very nice bikey things... all to spread The Word Of Bikey Gospel, and fund his [and friends, Matt and another Jon] recently procured sailboat, which he/they intend to float on the big blue ocean and go around the world.
Lets get it on...
#1. Where were you born, and in what year?
I
was born in Detroit, almost exactly 30 years ago, back in the
Pre-MC-Hammer-Pants era. But really, I grew up in DC, and have since
lived in Boston, Santa Fe, Bellingham, Crested Butte, Bend, and San
Francisco.
#2. What was life like as a child, and when did you start riding a bike?
Life
back then was awful. Everybody had moustaches. Nobody had cell-phones.
SUV's hadn't even been invented yet. There was no MTV, no video games,
no facebook or myspace or anything else on the internet. It totally
sucked. We lived like neanderthalls. I remember, in school, we actually
had to LEARN stuff, and write it out, the old-fashioned way, by carving
letters into stone. Oh, yeah, and before Reagan showed up, everybody --
EVERYBODY -- was doing drugs.
What
the F do you mean, "what was life like as a child?" What kind of a
question is that? Life as a kid was innocent and huge and full of
opportunity and wonderful. That's what youth means.
Nevertheless:
I first rode a bike when I was 4 years old. I remember falling and
cutting up my knee pretty good, and going right back to it.
#3. What dead person do you most identify with in history, and why?
I've
always liked Lewis and Clark, mostly on account of their pluck and
boldness. Of course, one of them (I always forget which one) was an
alcoholic and threw his life away once he returned, but those guys were
badasses in almost every regard. Before they set out up the Missouri
river, they commissioned a custom-made collapsible boat, which they
called the Experiment. It woulda been a friggin' awesome boat, except
the builder took forever to make the damn thing, and they had to get
going, so they sorta said screw it, and went with the standard, heavy,
non-collapsible boat, which ended up severely sucking in places. If
they'd had the Experiment, I bet they'd have made it to Japan or
something. At any rate, they had vision, and energy, and an intelligent
president in office, and they thought for themselves and proceeded as
planned. That's admirable.
#4. If you HAD to pick... what [and where] was your single greatest bikey moment?
Oh man, there are so many.
Riding
up Mt. Evans, the highest paved road in the country, in a snowstorm,
was pretty sweet. Linking up Vermont's 4 gaps into one big ride (111
miles, 9,000 vertical feet) was epic. Commuting over the Golden Gate
Bridge, from SF to Sausalito, for a year, I will never forget. But, if
I had to pick one moment, it may be riding my bike through the
Watergate, on my last day of work at the National Journal (on the 4th
floor) two years ago. I'm pretty sure nobody's ever done that before.
#5. You're allowed to eat only one specific food for the next 721 weeks [plus water to drink], what is it?
Pasta. Bring it.
#6. Britney Spears... "Insane" or "Just Merely Misunderstood"?
Dude,
if she started fucking cats and shitting in mailboxes, and posting
videos to BrittneySpearsFuckingCatsAndShittingInMailboxes.com, I'd be
tempted -- but only just tempted -- to call her misunderstood. You
know, there's probably a real financial opportunity there. But there's
no way someone so mega-popular is crazy. The rest of us are crazy for
considering it realistic to even think about calling her crazy for
whatever silly thing she's done: a funny haircut, a bunch of drugs,
whatever.
#7. Single trend about bikes that darkens your mellow?
I
hear that a lot of urban bikers have started getting tattoos and
piercings and wearing tight pants and using foul language and breaking
traffic laws and drinking vast quantities of cheap beer. Where's Reagan
when we need him?
#8. Single trend about bikes that makes your mellow shine?
I
get emails from kids all over the country who are putting together
alleycat races and looking for sponsors. I totally dig it, because it
means more and more people are starting to see biking in cities as an
adventure. They're committed and enlightened souls, these people, who
can't stomach the suburban standard of slumping into an over-cushy car
seat in a needlessly-shiny sedan, turning on the
monotonous/soothing/soporific voice of NPR, and stop-and-go-ing it mere
miles, only to sit there, clogged up, in a procession of 2,000-lb
combustion-engine glory, while getting fatter, and lazier, and more
fed-up, en route from one prepackaged-passive-entertainment-megaplex to
another, while unavoidably growing SO used to that way of life that it
becomes normal. They bike because it makes them feel alive. Biking is
like a little adventure every day. Sometimes it’s social. Sometimes
it’s a style show. Sometimes it’s a soggy sufferfest. But it’s not
monotonous, or soul-sucking, or detrimental to public life in cities.
So those emails, those little hints of all the vision out there: that
thrills me.
#9. Your favorite bike [that you currently own], and why?
I
ride a chrome/blue/white (you know, quick-release Italian paint)
Pinarello Treviso named Attila. He's an elegant, fast bike (won the TdF
twice, and the Olympics back in '84), and is almost all Italian:
Cinelli bars and stem; Campy brakes, cranks, headset, and bottom
bracket; Miche chainring and hubs; a Selle Italia saddle; Time Atac
pedals; and (non-Italian) Velocity Deep V rims. He's running a 46x16
ratio, which is just about right for my legs in San Francisco.
#10.
"I won a fully tricked out Hummer w/gold plated spinner rims &
dual, trunk-mounted Xbox 360's... " [please finish this sentence]
..."with
bullet-proof glass and window-mounted canons and a couple of
roof-mounted video cameras and vanity plates that say SUCK IT BUSH and
I drove it through the White House gates and then rode donuts on the
White House lawn while blasting Tupac, and when I finally got tired of
dodging bullets and running over Secret Service agents, and when the
gas tank was good and empty, and when there wasn't a patch of green
grass left, I ditched it on the porch, right outside the Oval Office,
then walked in and uploaded the video to YouTube on Bush's computer
using his name/password, and told him to get his ass outa there,
because he'd just been impeached, and I was there to deliver the
official notice."
#11. Best album you've heard in the last 12 months?
Just
one? Shit. Can't do it. I finally saw DeVotchKa play, but missed From
Monuments To Masses. Otherwise: Beirut, Durutti Column, Brother Ali,
and Phontaine all make tasty tunes.
#12. Most embarrassing moment on a bike [please be detailed]?
Well, it's not so much embarrassing as sad:
Two
winters ago, in Washington, DC, I was riding to work down 23rd, and had
just entered Washington Circle. An idiotic driver with Virginia plates
merged into the circle from K St., and cut right in front of me, then
came to a complete stop in the middle of the intersection. I considered
swerving left or right into other lanes of traffic, but didn't want to
risk it, since I didn't know what other cars were coming up behind me.
I only had a split second to do something, so I kept my hands on the
bars and slammed square on, right into her bumper, literally kissing
her trunk in the process. I suffered a bloody lip, and a damaged ego,
and bent the frame of my beautiful 1973 Gios Torino, named Iago. RIP,
Iago.
#13. Are you superstitious?
Jesus in a Sidecar! Are you kidding me?
#14. Where, and when, did you first conceive the idea for Zero Per Gallon?
Well,
I first got into politics in middle school. I served for a few weeks as
the JAAMCMRLLLSMAFF (Junior Assistant Associate Manager of the
Committee to Make Recess Less Lame and Less Short and More Awesome and
Fun-Filled), and then I started thinking, goats or no goats? I sensed
danger lurking, you know? So I founded FGCA (Future Goatless Crusaders
of America).
From
there, it was a logical progression consulting for, advising, or
otherwise working for nearly every goatless association in America,
including People for the Goatless Way, Americans for an Entirely
Goatless Society, the Union of Concerned Goatless Freaks, Americans for
Goat Reform, the Center for Goat Restraint, Concerned Goatless
Advocates for America, the Goatless Research Council, Goatless Folks
for Choice, the Advisory Committee on Goats and the Damage They Cause,
Consumers United for a Goatless America, Washingtonians for a Goatless
Majority, and the Association of Eastern Goatless Crusaders. I was even
nominated to serve on the President's
Why-Not-All-Furry-Farm-Animals-Are-Good Executive Council, and as the
chairman of the board of USBGOG (United States Board of Goatless
Oversight Groups).
So,
anyway, I was living in Washington, DC, and I had all of this political
experience under my belt, and then one day, in a moment of
caffeine-induced glory back in October of 2005, I had this incredible
urge to poke fun of greedy idiots careening around with 250 extra
horsepower of cushy leather seats and noisy, polluting, internal
combustion engines only to sit in traffic with other dumbasses. So I
started Zero Per Gallon.
#15. Does the 5th seacock really smell that bad?
Hold
on. Back up. The backstory: I just bought a 40-foot sailboat, and spent
two weeks in Mexico fixing it up. The boat has 5 seacocks (valves) that
let water in/out of the boat, for the sink, toilet, etc. One seacock,
as necessity would have it, lets poop out of the boat. So we decided to
clean the seacocks, since they were all, uh, sorta clogged up and
calcified and hard to open/close. That 5th seacock, which we cleaned in
a bucket full of hot water, and scrubbed with metal brushes, indeed,
smelled like shit. Literally.
#16. If Tommy Lee were to contact you, would you design and fabricate a used tire thong for him, and what would you charge him?
I
hate to break it to ya, but Tommy Lee wouldn't be the first person to
buy a used-tire thong. This is friggin' San Francisco, man. Thongs cost
$30. Dildos cost $40. Whips cost $45. The best bang for your buck,
though, is probably a ZPG cock ring. They're only $10.
#17. What is it about sailing that you dig most?
So
much... The freedom. The sky. The forced simplicity - the way there's a
super-thin line between necessity and desire. The patience required --
for going, tops, about 7mph across enormous spaces; for dealing with
friends in very close quarters; for fixing obscure parts at great
difficulty and absurd expense. The way it makes "regular" life, and any
quibbling about it, seem like a joke.
#18. Have you seen "The Perfect Storm"... and does that scare you?
Yes,
I've read/seen it, and I'd be remiss if I didn't say it scares me, but
dying at sea in one night isn't nearly as terrifying as ending up alone
in an inflatable life raft, and, after 76 days, being so hungry that
fish eyeballs seem like a delicacy. Read "Adrift," by Steve Callahan,
and then ask me if that scares me, and we'll have a good conversation.
#19. George Bush Jr. on his Trek mountain bike vs. you... who takes the checkered flag?
Checkered flag: me
DFL: W
#20. How can folks get in touch with you to transact some business?
As
the CE/BB (Chief Executive/Big Banana) at ZPG, I work proactively
24/7/365 to competitively leverage ZPG's core competencies by
optimizing end-to-end value propositions that maximize ultradynamic,
real-time partnerships with financially-responsive clients. In order to
actionably capitalize on such mission-critical synergies, I integrate
consumer-driven, multi-function networks in the actionization of
innovation-driven, logic-based, value-added solutions, enabling and
empowering stakeholders to successfully monetize executable
functionality while also upgrading their own account stability. How do
I implement and prioritize deliverables? By utilizing customized,
out-of-the-box technology; facilitating up-level, cross-platform,
scalable communication systems; synchronizing robust, impactful,
market-tested functionality with consumer demand; and incentivizing
action-oriented, self-actualized, win-win transactions. ZPG's
diversified, community-based operational approach is highly
competitive, virtually guaranteeing that ZPG will continue to grow its
its bottom-line market-capitalization during forseeable and
unforseeable short- and long-term future temporal occasions. The bottom
line: ZPG is the most robust site in the goatless space.
If that sounds good to you, check out Zero Per Gallon, or email me, and we can transact the shit out of some business:
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