Do-Over...

Found the following photo lurking in the dark corners of the hard drive.

...and it gave me pause.  Serious.  Pause.

That was taken outside Lake Placid, NY in 2003 [on my way up to bigger & worse things] but, it was a great moment.  Great because it was the 3rd time I was outside that year.  Chloe & Amy had begged me to go somewhere with them: a vacation, a get-away.  And I had -finally- agreed.

Looking at that photo, I smile for what it shows in the immediate: a beautiful little girl in her very first swimsuit walking into water for her very first time with her dad.  She was terrified of a school of baby trout swimming near our feet.  Amy & me had to -repeatedly- convince her that they weren't 'Miniature Sharks'.

But, also, looking at that pic right now... The Regret.  I'd like my daughter's youngest years back, with me where I am at currently/presently.  I lost so much of it.  Only stories & events retold for my cloistered benefit [sanity] kept me seeing what I did not see, what I did not participate in at all.  I missed every walk, every errand, every trip to the park.  I pushed my daughter in her stroller precisely one time... in our living room [Amy had arranged that so I could know what it felt like~and it felt gloriously like it should have felt].

I don't know what or how it is that draws me to regret, deep regret, while certainly respecting, appreciating & honoring where I'm at now, today.  I appreciate a lot if not every thing in ways I cannot express overly well... but simultaneously, I am -at minimum- tipped toward the past with endless melancholy over what was -no other good way to paint it- Lost.

I've asked Chloe if she feels anger, sadness or anything bad toward me for those years, the lost years.  And her answer remains, "No, you're my daddy... I love you!  I just think you're more You now, than you were you Then".  And that's that I suppose...

We are who we are right now.

It's the shedding of memories [the ones that hurt, haunt & drag it all down] that seem everlastingly on the biggest of big 'To-Do Lists'.  If you can't erase them, what's to become of them.

I think, eventually, I'll find a proper place for all of it to reside in myself...

but for all the good and fantastic in the universe, I'd like a Do-Over.

Keep Ridin'... Always

Comments

[fatguy1966]

Your Regret = What is vs. What was...

And like a shark we have to keep moving forward always looking for the next meal and regretting the last one that we ate (usually.)

Keep it going. You will be able to bounce grandkids on yer knee without regret...

f

[Ben]

I'll leave it simply at I've been there, am there, wish I never was and would never wish the mental weight upon even my worst enemy.

fatguy1966 hits it hard on the head, though, what we miss with our children we can make up with our grandchildren.

[Lazy Lowrydr]

While you may have lost out on some memories of your/her toddler/parent youthful memories the future is still ahead to find/build more memories. So go out there and start building.

I wish my Grandaughter hadn't passed away at 3 1/2 last August and I buried her on my B-day. Now there's a memory That will haunt me forever.

[Pete]

I've heard your story, but it lands with a fuller thud from this post. Amazing and inspiring, and so human. You made your way out of a place where you didn't want to be, 'cause you couldn't be you there. There are so many people looking to do that. To turn the selves that they believe in into the the life that they are living.

Man it's really a good thing that you've pushed your self into. You've found freedom and still understand what it's like to strain against those walls. You're able to see both what you have and what you've missed. Which brings you an intrinsic understanding of what each day is worth. Lot's of folks go through life and collect the memories but still don't realize the value of their days.

Chloe says that "you're more of You now," and I'd say that you couldn't be the same You with out the journey you've taken. It started there and then, it's moved to here and now. I'd say celebrate the gift of you that you've given to your girls and to yourself; and remember that what dulled you to yesterday makes you keen for both today and tomorrow.

[Paul]

Dude, the do-over is NOW.

[beth h]

It's where you were that helped you be where you are. And while it would seem nice to be able to go back and somehow "do it right", that would actually take more time than just going forward.

My father and I figured this out in particularly dramatic fashion, the tail-end of a realization. We knew we could try to go back and "fix" everything; or we could be who we were in the given moment and move forward together. We chose the latter, and the remaining six years I had with my father may have been the best of our entire relationship.

Look back now and then if you need to, but keep moving forward.

[MegC]

Advice from someone with some really evil memories I'd rather never ever existed: ONLY use the rear view mirror to either propel you forward or appreciate how far you've come. Other than that, throw it away and put the pedal to the metal. Be ruthless about managing hindsight, because while she can give you limited wisdom, that bizzatch can also EAT you and what's beautiful about your life right now if you're not careful.

[Fat Bob]

Scotty boy, today is the tomorrow you dreamed about yesterday... you're living the dream my friend, don't pine over what was, but rather let it continue to be your inspiration to be the better man, better husband, better father.

[Michael R]

Scott,

with loving daughter,
now sprout future memories
see, feel, ride to them

[Bob M]

You gotta mourn losses, just remember you have 24 hours in a day, no more, and you must decide how many you want to spend regretting the past. Every moment spent in the past is a moment taken away from the present.

[Ian Hopper]

As usual, Chloe nails it first time. I know that feeling of regret you've felt for time lost.. and the feeling of gratitude for the gifts we have received. The little people are magic, and yours is a jewel: I'm honored to have met her. Let her know that eventually I'll have my hacky-sack skills back eventually. :)

[Ictus]

Clöe speaks with wisdom. Forget the past, embrace today. You've earned it man!

[stunt bike games]

good luck to you mate

[Fixed Gear Bike]

You are an inspiration man!

[craig]

Awesome stuff bud, great story