The Mrs-Inflicted exiled break from all this has been good, actually great, and along with it has given me time to think about things, mainly "Why?".
Why keep LFoaB up & running?
Why allow those [few] that spew really nasty things at me, or even us as a family, while they hide behind their gilded veil of anonymity [it took Amy about 15 minutes to put together the common thread that 99.4% of all really mean replies -here- and entries about Me or Us -at other locales around The Net- come from folks who post/reply/blog anonymously... brave types, all], to bug or bother us?
Why or what -precisely- is the purpose of this, or for that matter Any, blog: dig me moments, sharing, bragging, entertainment, education, thinking outloudness, communication in all forms, what?
Weighing the options between a resource-base, archival kinda thing, or a centralized databank to receive threats and hate?
And this much I've figured out:
this place is a part/piece of Me and what I've accomplished and done, continue to do. Mainly we get fantastic responses from friends, acquaintances, family and lots of strangers [some, yep, anonymous]. I don't feel addicted to it, or blogging in general, but I also feel repulsed by it too. Let me explain...
I read others blogs and many, I enjoy. But why do I enjoy them? Well, in most cases I like them because I already know that person, or have met them -after- I started reading their blog. I think that's important: the human connection to better understanding someones writing/thoughts. It's well documented on The Internets, but worthy of repeat: the typed word as code isn't great at nuance. It's fact.
I've also figured out that many folks blog, me perhaps too, who don't have... and I mean do NOT have, jackshit [or his lil' sister, Jillianshit for that matter] to say, whatsoever. Reading over some blogs, especially lately, and especially/especially those that Amy has come across that are throwing some hate my way: the author [said about as loosely as one can imply] well, I am stunned at the depth of no content. Similar to diving into an inactive volcano, it's just all blackness and endlessness. And that's fine I suppose, "Blogging: It's For Everyone"... including those, if their blogs reflect what is firing off inside their craniums, that apparently reside in a vaporless void of still air with crickets chirping. It's kinda like having to share your bubblegum with the entire class or you have to spit it all out.
Stay with me here, this is going to float around badly...
So, Amy and me [as far back as June of 2008 in Minneapolis] were thinking, "Kill the Blog" lots. And maybe, in some weird/out/bizarro/LSD-induced [without the LSD though] Burroughs inspired moment/Freudian-vibed way, I've been trying to do just that. But instead of the easy way out [i.e. "Press Delete"], I've been trying to have the tribe kill it [along with me], for me. Dunno. But maybe. Maybe still.
So anyway, with everything that has come to pass of late, I've had a lot recommended to me. Everything from "Take a poll on keeping it up/closing it down"; "Kill it, no post, no goodbye, just slay it like an illegitimate Hell-Child"; "Say goodbye, point no fingers, close it down"... to "Take pics, no words ever again"; "Take pics for a while, and then words"; "Screw everyone, keep on keeping on"... to "Keep going and disable all comments" to "Disallow anon-comments" to "Hello, we at TypePad [the hosting service] want to feature your blog!" [huh? in case you haven't noticed: I have -at least lately- one of the least friendly, least cohesive, most disjoint, most contrary 'people pissed at the drop of a dime' blogs out there... and you want to feature it?? too bad you didn't come around when folks actually liked me!].
And then Amy & Me... we've drafted numerous 'Final Posts' and 'Goodbyes'. Most read like this one:
Just a quick note to say Amy & me have discussed this on & off for a while now [since early Summer actually], and I am breaking the leash and closing LFoaB [it will stay up as a resource -or whatever you'd call it- until such time that it just gathers dust].
It's for the better really, things have taken a course never intended [too much nastiness at the three of us -who are out there & not anonymous- while the venom seeps in from the shrouded anonymous few: and that's just plain unfair and while that bugs me to some degree, it has made Amy sad and pretty uncomfortable, and I can't take that]... but more topical & pertinent, really it's 'Mission Accomplished'. This place, a decided part and piece of me [and I'm proud of it as such], was about documenting a Life Change, A Process... A Personal Mountain. And in the process of documenting the ups & downs, highs/lows, good and bad of all that, well I've made some amazing friends and acquaintances. I, am eternally grateful for this, truly.
I am also deeply sorry for things said that offended people: all my doing, I am guilty as charged, and I am sorry.
I'm alive & here, the girls [Amy & Chloe] are proud of me/me of them. I started this at 501 pounds with an idea on mental paper, couple nights back Amy forced me onto the scale [stating that she was gonna be pissy if/when I weigh less than her... thankfully, I do not] and it said, 175.8 pounds: That pretty much says "Fold the paper, put a lick on the envelope & let go, Scott"... I am.
So life goes on but no Goodbyes here, only "No Final Acts" and,
Thank You for allowing my life into your lives, never taken for granted and never will be. This is one ongoing amazing journey we are All on.
Keep Ridin'... Always
...and we still might go that route, it seems easy & clean. But then again, lots of stuff is easy and clean. But that doesn't mean it's right, or the thing to do.
Heck, even my good pal Kent Peterson wrote me to say that my writing isn't good lately. No crap. But what he didn't see, or think to mention was this: it shouldn't be either/and yet, it's still honest.
Blogs are very limiting. They give one view, and often times that view is so self-serving, so self-absorbed, so entrenched in 'Dig Me Moments" that even the author [not to mention rabid/casual reader] can choke on the feast of references to ones "Self". But, if it's a journal... who the hell else is it going to be about? How much deflection can one do? How much news quoting can one do? Or YouTube embeds? So many options for styles/so many have been done to absolute death. However, and it seems to this person, that the one that remains timeless because it exists outside of the vacuum of mere trend or style is: "Writing honestly as oneself, and not hiding behind anonymity or sunny-side-shit-only moments of cleverness". Yep, done to death too... but if done right [and not saying I do, so chill out before you put poison-dipped quill to paper] it's never done wrong. Like I would tell students/and was told as a student myself of The Arts: "You can never innovate until you understand All that has come before you". Truth. Word. Amen. So, if I am to write, and it's on a blog [or in fact, this blog right here], and I like writing [and, it goes without saying, 'Sharing' otherwise I could & would just put pen to paper and store it with my underwear in the dresser], and it's gonna reflect me in an honest forthright way, it [to me/for me] has to be honest. And honesty [to me again] isn't exclusively bikey sunny moments of bliss and jubilation. Nope, it's that and all the other stuff of life too. It might be bad writing [I think my best entries are bad writing by the way: Great Frustration in Life #3542... not being talented at writing], it might be rash or too off the cuff, mean-spirited, frustrated-but it's also a lot of other things too. Joyous, reflective and appreciative, supportive. But, most important to me, honest.
It's too one-sided to only post "Good Day" entries, life [at least mine] has too many other layers to it. And hey, look at the bright side... if you don't dig it, don't read it. After all, I don't care. I'm not making any bread off this anyway [maybe I would care if this drew me a paycheck, probably not though].
This place contains [and documents] a Real Life, and along with it... quite frankly, a real shitload of work & effort [and I ain't talking about the words, pics or anything else/I'm taking about what I do before & after the entries go live].
So, it stays for now but with the option of killing it sometime soon [I also really like the notion that the initial seed of this place is completed, not many goal-specific blogs can claim similar/if they had any real goal in the first place]. In one way LFoaB is done, I did it [I just keep forgetting to remember it-thank everything good for Amy & Chloe on that one]... but also, it really doesn't come full circle until the final 'me sitting on a sofa in the NYC area, 2005, 501 pounds, dreaming of a Paris Brest Paris invite' moment has been erased yet simultaneously realized. And who knows, maybe that's the real & final End-Game?
Anyway, if you read this all, thanks [but it's really a note to me]. Told you it was going to go all over the place, but it's done now. Back to the business of The Business of Life & Living. I work[ed] too effing hard to get dragged down into other peoples crapola & baited negativity, and that's over with now.
I've got plans, big plans, and I'm still pushing toward them every day... ridin' toward them every single day.
Keep Ridin'... Always