Solar Plexus of your Everything.
Or, how every once in a while something in the replies hits you perfectly where it counts.
Back at the beginning of LFoaB a respondent mentioned a book, and that book made a lot of things make sense [and in the end that book -as any book cannot/should not be everything- was a partial catalyst, but needed to be filtered & tempered through me before it could act as a launching platform, for what was to come... but it was a big moment], and now, just yesterday, another respondent mentioned an organization w/a link to a video, and well... whoa, it -watching it last night, well it was HUGE to me: it was a big moment, one of those "This applies in so many ways, I can take this as a pre-Nov. of '05 kinda deal, and as a right now/right here statement too" moments. So, thank you again for the kindness of people I know and don't know, who are out there thinking and sharing their ideas and thoughts with me. Sincerely, Thank You, JB, because that/this was huge.
First the video:
That video flattened me in so many I am still watching it, studying it, pondering it... it was one of those impact-fully amazing things that when I started it for the first viewing last night, after three days spent with me talking non-stop to a writer flown out here from a major publication, I immediately was covered in goosebumps. A video so profound in one of those quietly unassuming ways that Amy walked out from the kitchen and immediately put down everything she was doing and just sat and watched and listened too; and seconds later Chloe came out of the bedroom from her lessons and did the same. I am left excited with possibilities, things to do/that need doing, it's almost overwhelming.
John Francis is doing, has been doing, had done, what I am trying/have been trying to do. But at the same, I am failing horridly at it... and have shackled myself amazingly to a single wall, in my own prison of my own constructing. I have broken out of many things in the past 3 years, maybe even before as a kid/teen with regard to music & the arts and the small-town background I emerged from, but in my most recent breaking out and thru walls, I have reconstructed newer, stronger, more impenetrable walls... with thicker re-bar, deeper concrete, even less light.
I propose that this is one of the basic tenets and follies of Man [Wo-Man, too]... "By undoing things good or bad, we simply aim -usually unknowingly- to box ourselves right back in with something new [or newer]". All of this can be undone simply thru listening, truly listening to: others, nature, the [our] environment, and -of course- ourselves. To some degree, and with a measure of success/non-success, I have accomplished aspects of this, but there is much that needs improvement here/much that needs and demands my avid attention and undivided muscle of work.
Baby-Steps again, humbly.
One of the first areas that needs my attention, and is within my immediate grasp, are apologies to those closest to me that I 'thought' I heard and was listening to all along, but truthfully have not been: Amy & Chloe; family and friends. I am sorry [but you will -ALL- be getting more personal apologies than the written word]... and then, the next phase:
that my day to day ideals of riding have come under attack [in my own mind & soul] i.e. "What is the purpose of just riding around, beyond errands or set destinations, when there is so much more to travel/so much more that I enjoy than just mere circles and loops?". That one is going to be more difficult, but I am committed to seeing it thru and understanding it better, and hopefully -ultimately- coming to some kind of peace with it.
Keep Ridin'... Always