Sometimes the Inside is, Outside...

To my way of thought, I don't quite follow why the struggle for space and power are so pullingly strong to so very many. 

Defining "Space": property, house/yard/fence, not being pushed-nor being touched by a stranger, not being bumped into in a line, a big car that not only allows for space inside-but takes up plenty of it on the road too... all, for instance.

Defining "Power": money, more things, better things than ones neighbor/parents/friends... ways to define yourself as a skosh bit 'up and above' you & yours... longer and further-away-from-home vacations, faster/newer/more high-tech things, and- keeping ourselves distanced from personalized contact with things, experiences and people in the very world we exist in.

Personally I don't want to be trapped inside myself trying to keep up with the Jones' or even trying to keep up with what the latest magazine [corporation] told me I should have.  Seems to me that the more one tries to play that sort of game, the more they get stuck inside their own system of worth... and that's the opposite of communal or community.  I'm starting to suspect that is what may, possibly, be many of our problems in modern times -the times we currently reside in- and it just appears to get worse and worse.

Why isn't it enough to be good, maybe even to shoot for great?  But not by buying things & stuff, but by doing things & stuff?  Is it not good enough anymore to be fair, decent, caring, empathetic and "there" for folks?

Tonight I came across a man sitting in a wheelchair, half on the street/half on the sidewalk, near where we live... right across the street from Skol liquor store.  He was bobbing his head up and down, kinda half awake and half asleep... and he was smiling while crying.  As I stopped to ask him if everything was alright... he looked up and said to me, "Be careful son, I just pissed myself... see the puddle?".  I then realized that yes, there was a sizable puddle around him on the street... and yep, it smelled like urine.  Really strong urine.  I asked him again if he needed help.  He started crying and said, "No one cares for shit about anyone anymore".

That really bothered me.  A lot.  Because, in a way, he's right.  So interesting what we've evolved into, that we are increasingly occupied with worries about things that -worry or nay- are going to go down regardless.  Personally: worrying about money, paying a bill, buying something new or better... all of it and more, never actually got any of those things accomplished, ever.  And perhaps worst of all: is the way we've all become so desensitized to directly helping others...

sure, we can donate to worthy causes at work-all directly withdrawn from the paycheck-while making, both, employee and employer feel better while we all get down to the really tough business of 'keeping our distance' and continuing to worry about the really important things [i.e. bills, how to buy things, keep things, and make more bread].  I'm starting to think it's really an issue of Control [and to what end or means... like owning something, really makes that thing yours?].

"Well, I agree with you... but, for me, I disagree because I'm here and I'm asking you what I can do", I told him.  He looked up at me and asked for money for some "gin".  Sort of figured that was coming.  Quandary time.  I'm quite familiar with this thing coming from the NYC area, and while I'm accustomed to it, it still perplexes me every time.  "Should I, Shouldn't I?", I always think to myself.  I could care less about a few dollars or even a 5 dollar bill, and I don't want someone doing something really stupid, silly or harmful to themselves or worse, someone else, to feed their personal monkey.  Such simple inquires can result in larger dilemmas.  Frankly, it's a real bitch.

Does this person have a place to stay, food to eat?  He might not care, and that's cool too... certainly not for me to judge.

Man, the smell coming off this older gent was intense.

While I'm thinking hard, he falls back asleep.  I dismount my bike and wheel him off the street and back up and onto the sidewalk.  He keeps snoring.

I'm no patron saint to be sure, but stuff like this really bothers me... and when it heaves down on me, I feel like it -each & every time- defines a small slice of what and who I am.  My ultimate worth... because if I'm not trying to help someone, when they ask [or even if they just look like they would, but can't], what is the point of anything else?

Sometimes it's easier to keep the blinders on [and I did that lots, and very well, back east... but even there, then, they'd fall off and I'd have to do something-no matter how small].

What am I capable of... how far can, or will, I go to do Right?  Others times, I feel [right or wrong] like I'm doing this to atone for some stupid, crappy thing I've done to someone long forgotten about.  Like an old teacher would tell me when I was teen, "Sometimes you gotta bleed for others... ".

So I go across the street to Skol, buy a bottle of water and a pint of gin, and go back over to the guy in the wheelchair.  In the bag, with the gin & water, I put in some kleenex from my saddle bag, a smallish bag of sunflower seeds and a five dollar bill.  I tuck the whole deal into the guys jacket, after lifting his drooping head off his chest.  His skin feels like dried out leather.  He keeps snoring.

I roll on.

After some more miles, I head back home... and decide to go by that corner again.

He's still there, still sleeping...

...and the bag has fallen out from underneath his jacket.

The pint of gin is broken on the sidewalk, while the bottle of water must have rolled out and onto the street and has been run over by a car or bus. 

I hope the tissues, seeds and money are still in the bag...

In the end, I think kids -little kids- get "It" right.  When you're only so tall, and it's easier to look down -and not up- you see a lot of things.

And most, if not all, of them: are outside.

Keep Ridin'... Always

Comments

[RonDog]

Hmmm, that is a tough one. But I think - does this guy do anything for anyone? I can't really expect someone to care about me if I don't care about anyone or myself - can I? But then again, what position is he in to do anything for anyone? It makes you want to know his whole story... On another note - sure do enjoy reading your blog - keep up the good work.

[FatRat]

I just read a story about you, and found this blog. Your progress in both your health and priotities challenge me greatly. My work never ends, and neither does my eating. Thanks for sharing your potent inspiration.

[Mark]

Scott -- I think that you are wrestling here with some of the toughest questions of being human. I just read _The Road_ by Cormac McCarthy and at more than one place a father and his son struggle with essentially the same questions. I don't think there are ever going to be any cut-and-dried answers. You might get something out of the book. I thought it was awe inspiring, although it's a wrenching read for any parent.

Thanks for the thoughtful post.

Mark (Kent's friend in Seattle)

[TOB]

I've wrestled with some of those very questions...came across the following in my search for an answer:

May he do whatever he wants with it! The poor will be judged on the use they have made of their alms, and you will be judged on the very alms that you could have given but haven't. -- St. John Vianney

Regardless of religion or spirituality, lightening someone's load without being judgmental is sometimes the best that we can do and be. Does it really matter what a beggar does with the money we give? or does it matter more that we stop and give something?

[Michael R]

What if everyone did what you did today? The world would be a much better place.

Good work man.

Came here referred by Michael R's post on his own blog.

It's a tough call. I think a little of me dies every time I say no to someone asking for money. I tell myself that it might be hard for me but that it might bring them a tiny bit closer to sobriety or cleaning up their life or whatever.

And that's the advice that the people who work with them day-in, day-out seem to give: don't give them money.

But it's hard. You want to help people.

PS: It was interesting to find a mention of "The Road" in this thread. We're moving out of our house next week so they can film part of the movie in it. It's a very tough read but also very tough to put down.